Is it a myth that Hindu Brides are always younger than the groom or is it real. As we read through our holy readings, there is no written rule or a reference anywhere that Hindu brides have to be younger than the groom. But it is a traditional custom in India for older men to marry younger girls that has been passed down from an ancient custom that is believed to produce a happier marriage.
Ancient wisdom presented in the Dharma Shastras provides us with a valid explanation that is arguably as true into today’s society as it was thousands of years ago.
“Nowadays it has become a custom, in India also, let the girls have many friends, but don’t marry unless you find a suitable man. Society degrades. Actually in the old Indian system is that when the girl is utmost 12 years, not more than that, 10 to 12 years, she must be married. And the father would see, not necessarily in every case the boy is rich man or educated. If he is healthy and if he can work, he’ll ‘take charge’.”
The culture of Hindu marriages
Historically, it was custom for girls to be married before they reached puberty. In modern times, the marriageable age for Hindu girls is 18. Yet it is 21 for boys, so even modern laws encourage women to marry older men.
In many ways, the custom makes sense. Women mature younger than boys both physically and mentally. Females therefore handle themselves better personally, professionally and socially. When a woman is with a man who is not mature, she can feel embarrassed and more likely to show dissent.
Even today, it is unheard of for a wife to show disrespect towards her husband in Hindu culture just like in olden days where Married women were submissive to her husband and his family. And in Indian culture, it is customary to show respect for your elders. A younger bride makes it easier for the wife, the husband and the family to get along as the show of respect comes naturally.
The historical view of Hindu marriage today
In today’s world, it is common for women to have a stable career and be capable of managing both the home and work life. This is what Hindu men look for in a wife.
Although not true in every case, most Indian women want a husband that is financially independent and can afford to give her a comfortable lifestyle. Because older men typically earn more, they are a favourable partner for younger women.
Up until the 20th Century, it was not customary for women to work at all. This is true of many cultures and not only in Hinduism. The arrangement was for the husband to be the sole provider and protector for the family. Even in today’s society, women look to their men for protection and security.
The ancient scriptures therefore accommodated this way of life in their texts on marriage advice. The key proponent of the Dharma Shastras is that a balanced relationship makes a happy home. The man provides and the woman looks after her husband.
The Dharma Shastras however are not static and provide different contexts. Ancient scriptures actually provide details for eight types of marriage. The most ideal marriages are between couples that fall in love independently of their parent’s intervention.
Love of course is an essential basis to marriage. But a happy marriage with fewer conflicts requires respect for each other, diligence and fulfilling your role. Although the roles of men and women are historically different than today, the element of balance and equality has always been a dominant factor.
Mind the gap
The ancients realized that age gaps between men and women created a happy equilibrium. The same principle holds true today. Even though both men and women go to work, men should try helping around the house more often. They will probably find they fall in favor with their wife more often.
In Hindu culture, there are fewer arguments between married couples when the male is significantly older. When the age gap is smaller there is a higher risk of dominance and imposition.
Furthermore, Hindu brides want a husband they can learn from and be proud of. When the man is older, it makes this significant requirement easier to achieve.
Because women mature quicker than men, relationships between couples that are the same age tend to fall apart because women start to see the immaturity of their partner. Subsequently, a lack of respect and resentment grows. This is a natural process of human nature that is difficult to counteract no matter how much a wife intends to stay faithful.
With a loss of respect, there is also a lack of equilibrium and equality. An imbalance in power is the foundation of an unhealthy relationship and subsequently leads to bickering, resentment and spiteful behavior. Again, this is human nature which is difficult to control when brought to the surface.
It is also common for men to avoid responsibility when they are younger, thus they stay immature for longer. When a man is put in a position that requires responsibility, in which he is not mentally or emotionally ready to fulfil, he can feel suffocated and unhappy which is then projected back on the wife.
Ancient views on Hindu marriage
Ancient rules for marriage sort to avoid negative emotions arising in the first place and an age gap between couples presents itself as a suitable solution.
Men also value physical beauty more than women, thus a young, attractive bride is more appealing. This encourages the man to be more charming and caring towards his wife for fear of losing her to a younger man that may be more virile. And virility is an important factor in happy marriages.
What is your view of age gaps in marriages? Do you think it works better in some cultures than others because of the general customs in society? Tell us what you think by leaving a comment below.